-TO TEXAS - TO FLORIDA -REDNECK DEFINITIONS - You know you are from California when.....Men's Rules!! & Tired of MEN BASHING JOKES? Pay Back Here at bottom. But First......


In Honor of our FLAG and Johnny Cash...."
The Eagle
The Eagle holds a message
That inspires us to agree:
We're proud to be Americans,
United, Blessed and Free!
*************



Things Texans Know...

Only a Texan knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Texan knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Texan can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Texan knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Texan babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Texans know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Texan knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana pudding!
Only Texans grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Texan, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck and a good ol' boy.
No true Texan would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Texan knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Texans make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines" and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Texans know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Texan knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Texan!
Only true Texans say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Texan knows you don't get upset at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Texaness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Texan stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Texasaness as a second language!
And for those that are not from Texas but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I ain't from the Texas but I got here as fast as I could."
Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day!

A True Redneck - this isn't your typical redneck joke. Please Read...
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country, and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns, and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival .'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.


If you clicked on this page, I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about on this page.

God Bless the USA !

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
I must admit, it's pretty good.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note . . . these are all numbered "1" on purpose!

1 — Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1 — Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1 — Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1 — Crying is blackmail.

1 — Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1 — Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1 — Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1 — A headache that lasts for six months is a problem. See a doctor.

1 — Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1 — If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1 — If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1 — If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1 — You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 — Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1 — Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1 — All men see in only sixteen colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1 — If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1 — If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act as if nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1 — If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1 — When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . really.

1 — Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1 — You have enough clothes.

1 — You have too many shoes.

1 — I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that— it's like camping.



NEW***** 15 Things to do at Wal-Mart (Wally World for you Southerners)


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

***************************************

NEW SOUTHERN ADVICE From Tommy Sessions Out of East Texas! AND Keep Car Running 200,000 mi.
Click Here

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mamas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards.

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-a-lance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

NEW>> You Know Yor're In Florida When....

The birds have to use pot-holders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of the distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a good brabding iron.

The temperature drops below 85 and you run for a sweter,

You discover that in a hot car it only takes two fingers to drive.

You find out you can get sunburned through the car windows.

You can burn your hand by opening the car door.

You break into a swet at 7 a.m. taking the garbage to the curb.

You realize asphalt has a liquid state.

Farmer are feeding their chickens ice-cubes to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

But, you know as much as we complain about this heat, we all will be crying like babies when the weather gets cool. (Not Me)



TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Armadillos and skunks think they're impervious to cars on the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they're ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from October 2 until June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.


Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming.

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.

"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you, or "it".

'Djeet? is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

TEXASISMS:

You know you're from Texas if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C", or vice-versa in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I'm fixing to go to the store. (Note: as in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word...)

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. The lights are for seeing what or who is in your yard!

8. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

10. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

11. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and briefs.

12. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

13. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

14. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."

15. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

16. You know whether another Texan is from east, west, north or south Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

17. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' Wal-Martin'" or "off to Wally-World."

18. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

19. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

Things to Know When Driving in Texas

* If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

* When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting in the way of any cross-traffic.

* Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Texas has its own version of traffic rules ... hold on and pray.

* There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Texas. We all drive like that.

* All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610" ... which has no beginning and no end.

* The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "Scenic Drive."

* The morning rush hour is from 6:00 AM to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

* If someone actually has their turn signal on, it's probably a factory defect.

* All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have total right-of-way.

* The minimum acceptable speed on any "Loop" is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

* Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

* If you are in the left lane and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.

* When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Mexico.

* You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Texas residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.


20. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Texas and some special friends not from Texas.



Leaving You With a Smile


Continuing with Texas ...  Wink

TEXANS in HEAVEN

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."


_____________________________________________________________________________

I told 'em you could put FLORIDA at the top and it'd still work :-0>
See Florida below...
-----
Dedicated to all those who live, have lived, have visited or thinking about moving to Florida!

WELCOME TO FLORIDA...where every highway eventually narrows to a single lane . . . .or is DETOURED!

Our seasons (2) are summer and construction.

State Animal: The Barrier Horse.

State Mineral: Asphalt.

State Motto: Single Lane Next 100 Miles.

A recent bumper sticker I saw... WELCOME TO FLORIDA ... NOW GO HOME!
-----

See below for "REDNECK"

”REDNECK COUNTRY”




Several “FOLKS” have said that I sound like a "red neck" over the phone , and in case you are not sure what a red neck is. Here's a perfect description!


The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night than you do.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this!"

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom had day-care.

You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen! Start your engines!"

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

SOME MORE.....

I can't resist - I have to do a few more redneck definitions!


You Know You're A Redneck When ...

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think The Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.



NOW do you understand?  ~nu-wave c.c.~

================
You know you're from California when:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest cilantro.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. The guy at 8:30 a.m. at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003." 20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

================ A LITTLE HUMOR ***===***===***===***===***===***===***===***===***===*** OK guys - today is your turn - I've posted a few Men Bashing jokes - so this will make up for it.
FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring,Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
***************************************************************

Joseph In FL


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Turn up your sound.
This guy went to a lot of trouble to get his point across.
I think every American needs to read this
at lease once a year and feel blessed that we live in this wonderful land.
Least We Forget!


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